A week ago, my baby celebrated his first birthday. A few days later, he took his first steps.
Then, shortly afterwards, he taught himself to do this...
I had no idea that this splendid accomplishment had been added to his repertoire until my other son rushed into the kitchen, whilst I was frantically stuffing clothes into the washing machine, and cried, "Mummy! Mummy! The baby is up there!"
And indeed he was up there. Standing up there on the windowsill.
He looks full of remorse for his antics, don't you think?
I'm very glad to report that no heads were bumped or little bodies bruised - or worse. And of course I'm absolutely delighted that my wee boy is displaying an aptitude for mountaineering at such an early age. By the way, the chair is positioned in that exact place in order to prevent the baby from electrocuting himself using the extension lead we are obliged to rig across the bay window area in order to plug the telephone simultaneously into a phone point and an electrical socket. And now I have three options available to me when trying to go about my daily business:
1) Tuck the baby under my arm and carry on regardless with the housework. Challenges are presented when I try to peel carrots, unload dishwashers, feed the cat, hang the laundry up or indeed attempt to perform 98% of household tasks. Vacuuming is possible under these conditions, you'll be pleased to learn.
2) Place the baby in his ball pool and carry on with the housework. The main problem here is that he detests being caged for any longer than two minutes and caterwauls loudly to be released immediately I leave the room, which is like a cheesegrater on my frayed and weary nerves.
3) Do no housework at all during the day except preparing meals and changing nappies, and save it all up to do in the evenings. YAY!
There are obvious and gigantic drawbacks to all of these options, so I've come up with a different and vastly superior solution instead. It's an Interior Design Idea, and since I don't even have time to go to the bathroom for any significant length of time let alone develop and patent a retail product, I'm offering this idea free of charge to the first taker. It'll make you millions, I'm certain of it!
The plan goes thus: if the walls of my entire ground floor are covered with inflatable rubberised plastic - the type of material used to construct a lilo or airbed - and blown up as soon as I descend the stairs every morning, my wee boys will be able to fling themselves happily around the equivalent of a padded cell for chunks of time during the day. A happy twofold consquence will ensue, namely that they will energetically exhaust themselves and go to sleep at an appropriate time, plus I will be liberated to perform the most cursory of chores in order to keep squalor at bay. Then, once the children have enjoyed a day of bouncing and other merriment and are tucked up sleepily in bed, I shall press a button marked deflate and the inflatable walls will expel all their air, roll themselves neatly off to the side and allow me to claim back my house, hazards and all.
So there you go. And, as I said, it would be simply marvellous if one of you clever inventor-types out there could make this happen as soon as possible. All I ask is that you come and install one in my house at your earliest convenience. I'll reward you immediately afterwards by going into the kitchen and putting the kettle on, since I'll then be able to do so without any risk of returning to the living room ten seconds later and finding my tiny boy perched precariously but triumphantly on the windowledge, having travelled there via his great-grandparents' heirloom armchair which is supposed to be protecting him from electrocution.